I knew I didn't like Kansas, even before driving back through it before returning from Colorado. But I went anyway and this is what transpired:
On may way I did something absolutely unthinkable (besides signing to the Mama Mia! soundrack)--I was speeding. On the interstate. Monstrous, I know. Through an act of divine intervention, flashing lights appeared behind my car and I pulled over and rolled down my window while the cop shouted at me to get out of my car, hands over my head. And then, in his divine sense of justice put me in handcuffs. I think he was too busy being an asshole to give me my Miranda Rights, which was disappointing because I was wondering what they were. He tells me that because of the downpour (which wasn't enough for my windshield wipers to even be on) that I was 'driving recklessly' by speeding. So he gave me two tickets: One for speeding and one for speeding in the rain. I was told that I could be bonded out with 500 bucks. What. The. Hell. Surely he's not allowed to do that--taking my Mama Mia! sountrack away from me has to be covered under the 'Cruel and Unusual Punishment' clause. From his car I could see the reason I was being put behind bars: a squigley rainbow sticker on the back of my car.
I made sure to try and introduce myself to everyone at the police station and offer my hand or shaking at anytime they weren't handcuffed, which wasn't often. But that's okay, whenever I did so the people woud just look at me and walk away anyway. Not a particularly friendly crowd. After smiling big for my picture it was time for paperwork. My booking officer wasn't happy when I signed my documents as 'Lord Master Jason the Amazing'. It's okay though, he was even less happy when I pulled out my 'Get Out of Jail Free' card that I keep stored in my wallet for just such an emergency. Still though, he refused to take it, at which time I told him to pretend that I was yelling and throwing a fit, though I actually didn't because I try to not do that sort of thing. Then they cut off a bike chain I wore around my wrist, saying that I can cause some damage if I hit someone with it. 'More damage than if I kicked them in the nuts with my shoe?' I asked curiously. They took away my shoes. Good thing I didn't use biting as my example......
Instead of placing me in a three-man cell like they had been planning, they shuffled people around so I could have my own--they thought I was going to get myself killed if I came in contact with a real person. Once I was in with my stunning orange jumpsuit that complimented my hair nicely, they gave me my effects. A towel, bed sheets, and a cup with a toothbrush, some shampoo, a bar of soap and Maximum Security Toothpaste. I suppose that they don't want the toothpaste to escape the tube... When I used the bathroom, I had to use a toilet that was in sight of the guards, to remove any shred of dignity I might have left. So, in spite, I peed with all the dignity I could muster! I think the guard just thought I was weird.
That's when my montage began. It was like in the movies, you know, when they show all of the heroic little clips of personal growth and such. I alternately watched cable TV, exercized, read a book and paced my cell. Only instead of taking place all in about 20 seconds, it was hour after hour after hour. And there was no music during my extended extended montage sequence, since they had taken my Mama Mia! soundtrack (I was not a Dancing Queen.). Fortunately, I still had my own voice and an endless repitoire of camp songs. Very, very annoying camp songs. And so I sang them. All of them. To be fair, I was respectful to all officers, I addressed them with respect and politely did whatever I was asked. They just never had the sense to ask me to shut the hell up.
Word of my imprisonment got around and a particularly generous relative of mine spent $700 to spring me from my cell. But they made me wait in the lobby for several hours before I got a ride to my car in the impound lot and finally got back to my Mama Mia!soundtrack. While I was waiting I looked at a huge wall poster detailing crimes and punishments in Kansas. I figured I should share my favorites with you, to be sure that you can keep yourself out of my position:
1. Damaging Something by Throwing it Off a Bridge: I just thought this one was funny.
2. Healing Acts: What the hell?
3. Aiding a Child in an Act of Misconduct: Good thing I was never caught helping my bother color on the walls.
4. Eavesdropping: Punishable with a fine of up to $2,500 or 1 year in prison. Seriously.
5. Fossil Hunting: This would be another 'What the hell?'
6. Illegal Bingo: This was my favorite. I can just imagine the SWAT tem busting in on fourty old ladies with their little cards arresting them all. Oddly though, it had the same punishment as sexual battery and a hit-and-run that involves a death. I guess they don't like Bingo in Kansas....that's okay, neither do I.
I had demanded a lot of changes during my stay with them, from uniforms to room service. I think they'll bend to my will, though I don't plan on going back to any place that desn't take 'Get Out of Jail Free' cards. So I guess that the moral I'm really trying to get at is this: Don't Drive Gay.
Quote of the Day: "If I were a walking brillo pad, I'd be the pink one."
Well folks, I've been working for the Boy Scouts for the past couple months, teaching all of them about animals and nature. I generally begin by informing them that I don't like animals OR nature. I take a unique approach with teaching: Honesty. Which is why I also tell the scouts that I don't like them. Besides, I figure that they should learn early that nobody really cares about them. Just like the Ethiopians. Well, look at where the information is coming from, I've been kicked out of my troop and out of the house--I blame the economy. Could be worse though, I could be a grungy door-to-door used shoe salesman. Or a lawyer. Or gay. Wait......
Looking back now, it's no wonder that I turned out to be such a rapscallion. I mean, look at the cartoon "role models" I had to watch for eighteen years. At the top of the list is Smokey Bear with his overquoted mantra, "Only YOU can prevent forest fires." Seriously man, get off your lazy ass and start preventing fires yourself, maybe then you won't be so blasted fat. And speaking of bears, what's up with Yogi? "It's okay to steal things from people as long as you smile and frustrate the law while doing it!" What the hell kind of lesson is that to be teaching kids?!? And then there's Mr. Kool-Aid, always partying with his red "punch" and destroying houses and everything else. Let me tell you, when a party ends in rampant destruction then it's not kool-aid that people are drinking. Then there's Super-Man showing off (Why walk around when I can LEAP THE BUILDING IN A SINGLE BOUND?). Don't let me even get started on that harlot Betty-Boop and Hello Kitty (have you ever seen her working? Of course not, she's always standing around on a street corner in a pink dress...not much mystery why.)
And then there's that racist prick The Grinch. And don't give me that "his heart swelled up three times" nonsense, I know a sleeper agent when I see one. I just know he's going to hide razorblades the the who-kid's candy on Halloween. Racist son-of-a-pheasant. And on a separate note, I don't like the smurfs either, stupid blue theives. Never trust someone with blue skin unless you're choking them. It'd be more helpful if Smokey started telling kids that for a change.
Quote of the Day: "Your mom's face is your mom's face....or......whatever."