Tuesday, October 27, 2009

The Big Zoo Adventure

There are some of you who may know that I have recently lost a loved one:  My camera.  Fortunately it has been reincarnated in a sleek newer model, much thinner and absolutely beautiful.  It occurs to me that if women would just do that in their first marriage then there would be far fewer second marriages.  It was an exciting adventure to get the camera, I went to Best Buy and stood around importantly until an employee asked if she could help me, I told her yes.  To the nearest of my recollection, this is the conversation that followed:

Me:  Can you show me where the Electronics Department is?
She stared at me blankly with a confused look on her face.
I stared back at her blankly with a confused look on my face.
She stared at me some more.
Then suddenly, nothing happened.
Me:  I need to find a clicky thing. (I made a clicky-thing motion with my hands.)
Her:  Do you mean a remote control?
Me:  No, one of those clicky things.  (I made another clicky-thing motion with my hands to clear up any confusion.)
Her:  A pen?
Me:  No, not a pen.  (I was now repeating the clicky-thing motion agitatedly because of her inability to grasp simple concepts.)
Her:  Do you need a camera?
Me:  Yes please, that's what I said, I need a camera.  (I make another two clicky-thing motions, just for good measure.)

She looked to her left at the display of cameras, looked back at me and then showed me where they were.

You may be wondering why a rapscallion like me needs a camera so direly, and the answer is thus:  To document my rapscallious happenings.  Which I shall now do.  I once went to the Dallas Zoo with my friend Jerel and was amazed at the sight, cage after cage of grass and trees and pretty much no animals.  Unless you count the large colorful pictures of exotic wildlife or the statues.  It was an amazing zoo, mostly in how they convinced me to pay twenty bucks to see empty cages.  Partly out of curiosity and partly out of financially masochistic tendencies I decided to go to he Fort Worth(less) Zoo and I took pictures!  I will share them with you because I'm benevolent and awesome.

I learned a lot about animals at the zoo and I'm excited I can proudly show it all off to you.  This picture is of a wart hog.  Wart hogs are animals that may or may not be indigenous to some place that is across one of the oceans.  It eats plants probably and has a violent temperament maybe.  It possibly looks for food after it sleeps sometimes I assume.

This is a very scientific map that shows where different animals originate.  Koala Bears Holding Sticks come from New South Wales.  Kangaroos come from down over there and Black People Holding Sticks come from Northern Australia, the opposite side from their koala cousins.  (Go back to Australia!)  Of course, all of this is on an island that nobody really cares about anyway.

This was some retarded kid that kept following me around at the zoo, I don't know what his problem was, other than his Jewish nose.  I didn't really want anything to do with him, he looks like a Republican to me.

This is where the Woman exhibit was, but it was pretty lame.  With all of the information about all of the different animals the zoo had, it seemed like they didn't understand these creatures at all.  These were the ones I was talking about back up in the third sentence of this post.

This was my favorite animal exhibit, the first picture is of the elusive Bricks and the second is of the closely related Rocks.  They apparently have a huge lifespan and need little food or water.  I stared at them for about an hour, they didn't take a single sip!  AWESOME!!!

This came at the end of my zoo tour.  A penny press in the shape of....wait....are those dinosaurs?  I think I missed the cage those were in...  Anyway,  I used it to take home memories of the many varieties of dinosaurs at the zoo.

Quote of the Day:  "Why does it seem that all of my conversations circle around back to necrophilia and bestiality?"