Friday, November 10, 2006

Children's Books

Okay, so I've been doing some thinking about childrens' books.  Though I used to be captivated by them, I now find their plots to basic and transparent.  Where are the antagonists?  Where are the plot twists?  WHERE ARE ALL THE SUBPLOTS?!?  Then it hit me, these books are for teaching, not for complete intellectual fulfillment.  Then I thought about it more, and there is a wide range of subjects taught by childrens' books, but the most important subject is completely abandoned:  The Real World.  So I've been thinking about some book plots that teach children what they really need to know, with none of that pansy "sharing" and "equality" crap.  Here are some ideas I've had:

The Magical Pony:  A young boy stumbles upon a magical pony that says that it will grant him one wish.  The boy caouldn't settle down on a single wish immediately, so he kept and cared for the pony for years as he thought about what his wish should be.  Finally, he decides that he wants world peace, but when he goes to the pony to make his wish he finds that the magical beast has fallen ill.  At the last minute, he uses his wish to keep the pony from dying of the illness.  To reward the selfless young boy, the pony gives him 3 more wishes.  Just as the boy begins to make his first, the magical pony has a massive stroke and dies anyway.  The End.
Moral:  If you waste your time worrying about others, you'll end up with nothing.

The Young Prince:  A rich, young prince-boy lived with his family in a huge castle.  Until an evil witch (who was jealous of him) blew up his home and his family.  Setermined to succeed, he began work as a poor laborer in a large retail chain.  For years he toiled and saved his money until at last he had enough to escape this life of voluntary servitude.  As he approached his boss to explain that he was leaving to seek his destiny, his boss shot him.  The End.Moral:  Don't work in retail.

The Girl With Everything:  There was once a beautiful girl that had everything she ever wanted.  One day, her beloved dog ran away, never to be seen again.  She approached her parents for comfort, and they both had heart attacks and died on the spot.  Sobbing, she fled to her boyfriend.  When she saw him, she saw that he had gotten a complete sex change and was cheating on her with another guy.  Then she saw a mirror, and her beautiful looks had been obliterated, she saw only a hideous face in her reflection.  As she raced back home to be alone, her house was in flames with all of her worldly possesions in it.  Oh, and her baby brother.  Oops.  As the fire died down, she parayed to God that he would care for her in heaven.  Then she died and found out that there was no God....oops again.  The End.Moral:  Life sucks.

So, I think that these are all excellent messages that we should provide to children as soon as possible, so that they have time to cope with the facts of life.  Maybe I should also write one on sex, too.  Just to cover all the most important bases.

Quote of the Day:  "I'm sure glad that my face doesn't look like a giraffe's nose."

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

What I Learned from Work

Okay, so since I started working, I've learned a lot about "customer appreciation".  That is, sounding nice for the customers so that they don't know how much you loathe them.

The first thing is to say everything, no matter how dripping of disdain it may be, in the friendliest of voices.

Customer:  Someone should stop that vendor outside from playing with the RC Car.  He almost hit my foot with it, it could have killed me! 
Me (in the friendliest of voices):  Yes, I'm it would have been a fatal blow.  Thank you, sir, have a nice day." (You'll understand what I really meant by that later.)
(Keep in mind that all of the following scenarios have actually taken place, as well as the preceeding scenario.)

The real secret to this field is changing your standard vocabulary.  For instance, the word "idiot" becomes the word "sir". 

Me:  "Here is your chair." 
Customer:  "The box says that is one is Olive-colored, I wanted the green one." 
Me:  "Olive-colored is green, sir."

See how well that works?  The next thing I learned was the phrase "get the hell away from me".  "Get the hell away from me" has become "thank you".  See the following: 

Customer (on the credit card pad):  "I want credit, not debit.  What do I do?" 
Me:  "Press the credit button, not the debit button, sir." 
Customer:  "Am I done now?" 
Me: " No, sir.  You have to sign your name where is says 'Sign Your Name' sir." 
Customer:  "Ah.  I'm finished.  Do I press the 'Done' button?" 
Me:  "Yes sir, thank you." (I will remind you once more that this really did happen, just as I have said.  I mean it, really.  This job has made me lose faith in humanity.)

The last phrase I learned of is "have a nice day".  What "have a nice day" really means is "that's right, keep walking". 

Customer:  "These lines are just stupid.  I waited twenty minutes just to get through!" 
Me:  "Actually the lines aren't that bad.  The real problem was that when you were about to get to the end of a single line, you got tired of waiting and went to the back of a different line.  You did that several times." 
Customer:  Even still you, should do something about it, that's just stupid!" 
Me:  Yes sir, I'll get right on it.  Thank you sir."  (as he's walking out) "Have a nice day!

So that's the gist of what I've learned.  I hope that I've helped you on your journey to the fulfillment of your life.

Quote of the Day:  "Sometimes I get to pondering the meaning of my own existance.  At times like those, I'm glad I have television to relieve my boredom."

Friday, May 19, 2006

Concern On Chain-Letters .1

I have recently come across a very frightening chain e-mail.  For those of you who don't know it, it's entitled "One Scary Way to Break Up."  If you're easily offended by violence, relationship troubles, or psychotic zombie monsters, please don't continue.

Here it is if you have not read it:  

One day, Sarah was walking home from school when her boyfriend drove by and honked at her to get in. She got in his car and he drove her to the lake. Her boyfriend said he was going to tell her something very important. Sarah could have sworn he was going to propose. However, he flicked her off, pushed her in the lake and yelled, "I am breaking up with you, you ugly bitch!!! I hate you and I think that maybe you should just end your damn life! DUMB BITCH!!" He laughed and drove off. It was a very cold day. Sarah climbed out of the lake, freezing cold, and feeling the worst she had in her entire life. She got home went in a hot bath, and slit her wrists and died in the bathtub. Her parents yelled and screamed at her to get out until they finally broke the door down. They saw no body, but the entire bathroom was dripping with her blood. Her mom went insane and killed herself three days later, her dad is in prison, accused of murder. Later that week, Sarah's exboyfriend was taking a shower when she came from the drain, rotting and bloody, with a razor in her hand and said "Goodbye Jason." She cut his throat before he could scream.

So after reading this disturbing e-mail, I felt that I just HAD to speak out against untolerable behavior.  It seems that women have assumed a role beyond that of a dishwasher/trophy/object and think that they have "feelings".  This is, of course, absurd.  These so-called "female feelings" have reached an absurd point in that they become psychotically offended by trivial actions.  Looking back at the post, I can see nothing that the male, "Jason", did wrong--he acted in a completely appropriate manner with his dishwasher/trophy/object.  Then the dishwasher/trophy/object has the nerve to make a mess of the bathroom and not even stay to clean it up!!!
A second atrocity occured in this scenario as well.  The mother of the used female took her life WITHOUT PERMISSION FROM HER HUSBAND, which left him unfairly in prison for the actions of his property.
But, back to the point.  This girl, "Sarah", had absolutely NO RIGHT to become a vicious, psychopathic, revenge-seeking magic zombie and kill the completely innocent "Jason."  This completely uncalled-for action must come to a halt, otherwise our great nation of the United States will soon be filled with vicious, psychopathic, revenge-seeking magic zombies and we will be left with an abundance of dirty dishes.

Quote of the Day:  "I found a new hobby:  Stealing your stuff and throwing it at you."

Wednesday, May 3, 2006

New Years Resolution .2

As you may or may not know, I am graduating soon.  But I haven't yet.  And, until I do, I'm under the oppresive jurisdivtion of our instructors.  Well, as I am enrolled in the "Multimedia" program, we have a mandatory project.  Here are the baic rules:  We have to create a game using Macromedia Flash.  The game consists of 20 questions.  For each question you get right, something happens, and for each question you get wrong something else happens.  My love, Shauna, and I are partnering up for this endeavor and have come up with many brilliant plans, almost all of which have been fully rejected by our instructor.  Here are a few examples:

Jason and Shauna's Terrorist Game
Correct:  You kill a terrorist.
Wrong:  The computer you're working on is infected with a virus and explodes.  Oh, and the computer is filled with shrapnel just before the game to increase the risk factors.

Jason and Shauna's Club Competiton Game
Correct:  The dancer removes an item of clothing.
Wrong:  The computer you're working on is infected with a virus and explodes.  Oh, and the computer is filled with shrapnel just before the game to increase the risk factors.

Looking out of the window, our teacher gives us another idea.  She says, "Why not make a game of cleaning up our mucky pond?"  So we ventured another idea:

Jason and Shauna's Cleaning the Pond Game
Correct:  An item of trash is removed from the pond.
Wrong:  One of the ducks in the pond dies.  Oh, and the computer you're working on is infected with a virus and explodes.  Oh, and the computer is filled with shrapnel just before the game to increase the risk factors.

Still she says no.  Our instructor then gives us a much more open theme to work in, she suggested that we think of a Disney-related theme.  So there was our idea:

Jason and Shauna's Disney Hunter Game
Correct:  An EPA member shoots a hunter.
Wrong:  A hunter kills Bambi.

She didn't go for that one either.  I'm trying to figure out why....
Any other ideas?

Oh, yea, so her's the entire point of the post, my resolution!  New Years Resolution #2:  Be less morbid.

Quote of the Day:  "You're such an elegant zombie!"

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Earth Day Savior: The Teenager

As you all may know, today is Earth Day.  I believe that the way to a better future involves looking out for our dear planet, as well as the vigorous use of flamethrowers.  But for the first time ever on this blog, I will take a serious moment of reflection:

Imagine, if you will, a world in decay.  A world whose careful balance has been shoved too far past equilibrium and is collapsing into turmoil.  A world tainted by careless advancement and faulty purpose.  Now, look around.  This is not some fantasy planet, this is our planet.  This is Earth.  Polluted skies, poisoned waters, ours is the world damaged.  There are many reasons for this catastrophe floating around, but they all boil down to one:  Mankinds inability to emulate the most perfect life form:  The teenage male.
            Teenage males are creatures of utter efficiency.  As dictated by the laws of economics, profits can only be maximized when the marginal benefit most exceeds the marginal cost.  This concept, minimization of expenditure, is the fundamental driving force behind teenagers.  A paragon of this trait lies within the habit of the minimization of communicative energy release.  In short, teenage males use less energy in communication than their adult counterparts.  Example:  A teen comes home.  His mother asks, How was school today?  The boy answers, Fine.  The mother then only looks at the direct words, not at the meaning behind them.  Did his answer, fine, not clearly imply "Oh, school was swell today. We had a difficult test in calculus, but my diligent study habits allowed me to easily pass the exam."???  Furthermore, if all adults remained as efficient as teenagers, we would live in old-fashioned farming communities, for teenagers would not waste energy in inventing large and dangerous machinery that pollutes the environment and destroys the land.
And energy isnt the only commodity that teenage males are willing to conserve, they are also economically aware.  Youll notice that many teenagers tend to purchase clothing items that are one or  two or five sizes larger than necessary.  This is because they choose clothing that can be grown into thus reducing monetary spending by eliminating the need of a new wardrobe each year.
            Teenage males are empathetic to others around them.  They have no desire to unload monotonous details of their mundane lives onto others, especially their hard-working parents.  This is why they tend to omit extraneous details when deep in conversation. Unfortunately, this causes the undesired result of miscommunication between teenagers and adults.  Adults that have forgotten their own youth seem to think that mysterious nights out are spent hurling eggs at neighborhood cars.  This is, of course, quite a silly conclusion since teens are much too busy covering houses with flaming toilet paper.  My point is that if everyone cared as much about the feelings of others as teenagers do, then the world would be a much friendlier place to live in.
            As I have shown, the utopia that poets dream about is not an impossibility.  We have not achieved it thus far because we ignore the teenagers instead of learning from their wisdom.  However, I do stress that the teenage male is only the most perfect life form, for they do not know everything.  Actually, I concede that there is a subject that teenage males know almost nothing about:  Teenage females.

Quote of the Day:  "Am I the only person that slows down as I walk over speed bumps?"

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Reflections on Hell

I looked at the bible to check out some rumors that have been flying around.  Turns out the rumors are true, I'm going to Hell for being gay.  I spoke to some people about this, they seemed shocked at the idea.  In fact, they gave off the serious impression that Hell was a very bad place, but it doesn't seem so bad to me.
Think about it:  I'm gay.  Gay guys are going to Hell.    I'm going to Hell with everyone else that is gay, according to what these people in the media said (and why would they lie to me?).  So there I'll be, in Hell, a very hot and fiery place, with a bunch of hot, sweaty gay guys.  And eternity is a long time to go without sex, creating an inevitable giant sweaty gay orgy.
Compared to the innocent chastity of Heaven, who can blame me for choosing differently?

Quote of the Day:  "Your face is an open-toed shoe."