Friday, November 10, 2006

Children's Books

Okay, so I've been doing some thinking about childrens' books.  Though I used to be captivated by them, I now find their plots to basic and transparent.  Where are the antagonists?  Where are the plot twists?  WHERE ARE ALL THE SUBPLOTS?!?  Then it hit me, these books are for teaching, not for complete intellectual fulfillment.  Then I thought about it more, and there is a wide range of subjects taught by childrens' books, but the most important subject is completely abandoned:  The Real World.  So I've been thinking about some book plots that teach children what they really need to know, with none of that pansy "sharing" and "equality" crap.  Here are some ideas I've had:

The Magical Pony:  A young boy stumbles upon a magical pony that says that it will grant him one wish.  The boy caouldn't settle down on a single wish immediately, so he kept and cared for the pony for years as he thought about what his wish should be.  Finally, he decides that he wants world peace, but when he goes to the pony to make his wish he finds that the magical beast has fallen ill.  At the last minute, he uses his wish to keep the pony from dying of the illness.  To reward the selfless young boy, the pony gives him 3 more wishes.  Just as the boy begins to make his first, the magical pony has a massive stroke and dies anyway.  The End.
Moral:  If you waste your time worrying about others, you'll end up with nothing.

The Young Prince:  A rich, young prince-boy lived with his family in a huge castle.  Until an evil witch (who was jealous of him) blew up his home and his family.  Setermined to succeed, he began work as a poor laborer in a large retail chain.  For years he toiled and saved his money until at last he had enough to escape this life of voluntary servitude.  As he approached his boss to explain that he was leaving to seek his destiny, his boss shot him.  The End.Moral:  Don't work in retail.

The Girl With Everything:  There was once a beautiful girl that had everything she ever wanted.  One day, her beloved dog ran away, never to be seen again.  She approached her parents for comfort, and they both had heart attacks and died on the spot.  Sobbing, she fled to her boyfriend.  When she saw him, she saw that he had gotten a complete sex change and was cheating on her with another guy.  Then she saw a mirror, and her beautiful looks had been obliterated, she saw only a hideous face in her reflection.  As she raced back home to be alone, her house was in flames with all of her worldly possesions in it.  Oh, and her baby brother.  Oops.  As the fire died down, she parayed to God that he would care for her in heaven.  Then she died and found out that there was no God....oops again.  The End.Moral:  Life sucks.

So, I think that these are all excellent messages that we should provide to children as soon as possible, so that they have time to cope with the facts of life.  Maybe I should also write one on sex, too.  Just to cover all the most important bases.

Quote of the Day:  "I'm sure glad that my face doesn't look like a giraffe's nose."

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