Monday, March 15, 2010

On the Lam

This blog has a moral.  I'm going to tell you upfront what it is due to the complexity of the matter:  The retort "so sue me" stopped being witty in the fifth grade.

October before last I was convinced by a friend of mine to visit him in Ohio after much of my own protesting (see blog
 One Day I'll Learn...Maybe).  In the end he offered to pay for my ticket and provide me with food and lodging.  Sweet right?  Wrong.  I ended up yelled at and abandoned in a foreign state and, worst of all, I had to watch a parade.  The worst kind of parade too:  Kids who think they can play musical instruments but can't.

My anonymous friend, Chad, has since let me know that he would like the plane fare back.  I laughed but apparently it wasn't a joke (or certainly not a very good one).  He demanded I repay him, so I uttered the very words I had so many times as a petulant and bratty child:  "So sue me."  And he did.

I learned that he didn't find my retort funny when I received a notice in the mail that I was being sued from Ohio--where I would have to go to defend myself.  But that would require going back to Ohio and bad things happen when I travel.  I may even be subjected to *gulp* 
another parade.  Definitely not worth it.  Instead I let the court and Chad know that I was not going to recognize his right to sue me.  The court sent me a letter saying I owe him three hundred bucks.....and they think I'm paying it.  How funny!  I know I laughed.

As far as school goes.....some stuff happened, some stuff didn't, and a whole lot of things have been forgotten, neglected, or both by me.

My mother moved back from California, I guess she finally came to her senses.

Also I decided to join the Navy.  I'm tired of being looked down and discriminated against as a gay so I decided to go seek my fortunes where I'd be free to be myself!  In the military.  But they said I was too fat.  If it's not one thing, it's another.

This left me in need of a hobby to fill my time.  On the one hand I could get a new job.....OR I can drive around with out-of-date stickers on my car.  I chose the latter.  And then got tickets I couldn't afford because I hadn't chosen the former.  I told the court that I was unemployed and unable to pay the fines in the allotted timeframe.  Their response was up increase the total I owe by several hundred dollars.  Wait.....ummmm.....what?  That is the opposite of what is helpful.

Not being able to pay the amped up amount they thought it would be best if I went to jail...probably because they didn't know what happened the last time (read blog 
Jail and Bail).  So now I have six warrants out for my arrest until I give them fifteen hundred dollars.  Hence me now being a fugitive from the law.  Maybe I should change my  name and move?  Maybe to Kansas?  Or Ohio?
Quote of the Day:  “And most of all, I expect babies to be thrown.”

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

The Big Zoo Adventure

There are some of you who may know that I have recently lost a loved one:  My camera.  Fortunately it has been reincarnated in a sleek newer model, much thinner and absolutely beautiful.  It occurs to me that if women would just do that in their first marriage then there would be far fewer second marriages.  It was an exciting adventure to get the camera, I went to Best Buy and stood around importantly until an employee asked if she could help me, I told her yes.  To the nearest of my recollection, this is the conversation that followed:

Me:  Can you show me where the Electronics Department is?
She stared at me blankly with a confused look on her face.
I stared back at her blankly with a confused look on my face.
She stared at me some more.
Then suddenly, nothing happened.
Me:  I need to find a clicky thing. (I made a clicky-thing motion with my hands.)
Her:  Do you mean a remote control?
Me:  No, one of those clicky things.  (I made another clicky-thing motion with my hands to clear up any confusion.)
Her:  A pen?
Me:  No, not a pen.  (I was now repeating the clicky-thing motion agitatedly because of her inability to grasp simple concepts.)
Her:  Do you need a camera?
Me:  Yes please, that's what I said, I need a camera.  (I make another two clicky-thing motions, just for good measure.)

She looked to her left at the display of cameras, looked back at me and then showed me where they were.

You may be wondering why a rapscallion like me needs a camera so direly, and the answer is thus:  To document my rapscallious happenings.  Which I shall now do.  I once went to the Dallas Zoo with my friend Jerel and was amazed at the sight, cage after cage of grass and trees and pretty much no animals.  Unless you count the large colorful pictures of exotic wildlife or the statues.  It was an amazing zoo, mostly in how they convinced me to pay twenty bucks to see empty cages.  Partly out of curiosity and partly out of financially masochistic tendencies I decided to go to he Fort Worth(less) Zoo and I took pictures!  I will share them with you because I'm benevolent and awesome.

I learned a lot about animals at the zoo and I'm excited I can proudly show it all off to you.  This picture is of a wart hog.  Wart hogs are animals that may or may not be indigenous to some place that is across one of the oceans.  It eats plants probably and has a violent temperament maybe.  It possibly looks for food after it sleeps sometimes I assume.

This is a very scientific map that shows where different animals originate.  Koala Bears Holding Sticks come from New South Wales.  Kangaroos come from down over there and Black People Holding Sticks come from Northern Australia, the opposite side from their koala cousins.  (Go back to Australia!)  Of course, all of this is on an island that nobody really cares about anyway.

This was some retarded kid that kept following me around at the zoo, I don't know what his problem was, other than his Jewish nose.  I didn't really want anything to do with him, he looks like a Republican to me.

This is where the Woman exhibit was, but it was pretty lame.  With all of the information about all of the different animals the zoo had, it seemed like they didn't understand these creatures at all.  These were the ones I was talking about back up in the third sentence of this post.

This was my favorite animal exhibit, the first picture is of the elusive Bricks and the second is of the closely related Rocks.  They apparently have a huge lifespan and need little food or water.  I stared at them for about an hour, they didn't take a single sip!  AWESOME!!!

This came at the end of my zoo tour.  A penny press in the shape of....wait....are those dinosaurs?  I think I missed the cage those were in...  Anyway,  I used it to take home memories of the many varieties of dinosaurs at the zoo.

Quote of the Day:  "Why does it seem that all of my conversations circle around back to necrophilia and bestiality?"

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Economic Disaster Part 2: The Solution

I have astutely identified that there may be a slight problem with our economy.  So, how do we really fix it?  Of course I have an answer.  It's simple and excellent:  Rejoin the world economy.  Not all that is good comes from America.  We've reclused ourselves more than an agoraphobic celebrity.  Except for when we felt like going out and launching some wars on third-world nations (those are the best!)--of course who doesn't like picking on people weaker than us?

First of all, we'll have to get some help from the United Kingdom.  Only with Europeans in office will we realize that maybe the map of international trade expands beyond the contiguous United States...

The second thing we do is import a legion of Frenchmen and put them on hundreds of thousands of little treadmills.  It shouldn't be hard, the population of France (which as we all know is entirely homosexual) has exploded because of the male's confusion caused by the fact that French women have mustaches.  I'm sure they will trade their extra people for faster military vehicles equipped with a good rearview mirror so they can see whichever war they're "participating" in.  Meanwhile the Frenchmen will power our country through their treadmills.  We can avoid constitutional difficulties because it states that only people have unalienable rights.

Next, we commission Japan to make an army of advanced super-robots to police the Frenchmen.  As a bonus package, we can get a model that also performs other useful tasks such as finding reasonable alternative energy sources.  It would probably take the Japanese less time to make an army of robots that can figure it out than it would take us to realize that hey....maybe wasting all of a nonrenewable resource is perhaps not such a super idea?

With less dependency on fuel, we can sell off Alaska to Russia.  For some reason it's filled with endangered animals that we're tired of trying to take care of and it's dark half the time anyway and always cold.  They can build a bridge to it or something.

To fill the vacant slot for the 50th state, we induct the Middle East (sorry Puerto Rico).  It would solve so many problems if they just became Americans.  I mean, come on!  Being un-American they have to keep bowing down towards a rock a bunch of times a day and they have to hide their faces behind bed sheets or surprisingly unattractive beards that have got to itch in that desert sun.  They can't watch good ol' porn or drink their problems's no wonder they blow themselves up!  The solution is assimilation.  Resistance is futile.

Speaking of futile, we can pretty much ignore the Canadians.  Nobody cares about them anyway and they don't really have an effect on the world economy.

But one country already deeply tied to our economy is India.  We've seriously been outsourcing the wrong jobs to these people.  Tech support?  Really?  I make a call regarding a computer program of mine and his response is scarcely discernable against his strong Kwik-E-Mart accent, "Is your computer plugged in?"  Yes it's plugged in, that's how I got to the program I'm having trouble with!  "Is your computer powered on?"  YES IT'S ON, IT'S RUNNING.  "Is the operator of the computer, by chance, Hellen Keller?"  No, I answer.  "Well, then we will not be able to assist you today.  Thank you, come again."  Click.  What we need to do is get the real jobs back and outsource education.  Instead of learning symmetry in middle school like we do here in America, they can already be through basic calculus and discreet mathematics, moving onto quantum mechanics.  Of course the Indian teachers will require an American assistant to keep them from pressing the power button on and off repeatedly, wondering if maybe there's something more to working their computers?

By outlawing alcohol again, we can give Mexico something useful to do:  Illegally importing alcohol instead of wetbacks.

Finally, when all of that is done and we once again become financially stable, we can ship our extraterrestrial remnants we have inconveniently hidden away in the desert to China, where they can reverse-engineer the technology (like they've done with every American invention) and we'll finally be ready to take our place in the intergalactic trade route.

That is my solution.

Quote of the Day:  "Don't make me stop this car and cut myself!"

Monday, November 24, 2008

Economic Disaster Part 1: The Problem

Striking us at the end of an eight-year-long crisis known as the Dubya Administration is a storm that may out-storm all others:  Economic Devastation.  I'll admit that I was startlingly unaware that we were having a money problem, largely because I have no money myself and I'm not used to worrying about it.  But I have little else to worry about today so instead of sitting around being content, I'll throw a fit about this.

The government has been observing the downfall of our economy for some time, though they seem to have little power to prevent it.  Why you ask?  BECAUSE THEY'RE STUPID.  There you go, I said it.  They're probably already on their way to "take care of me" now...

So, let's look at the roots of this problem:  Abnormal concentrations of human stupidity.  I'll go ahead and agree with Al Gore in putting my faith in the fact that if we weren't globally warming our planet then this wouldn't have happened.  But it did, and what did our government do to try and save us?  They sent us Economic Stimulation Checks that almost didn't even come close to the income taxes they've robbed from us.  And what did they do a week before sending us checks?  They spent over forty million dollars to send us mail inserts telling us that our check will be mailed in a week.  Seriously?  Yes.

It's boggling to think about how many people it took for such a grand act of stupidity to be approved...and yet it was.  After all, what else could they have possibly used the forty million plus for?  Surely not returning back to the taxpayers.  Better to use it on sending useless bureaucratic notifications.  It makes them feel more important.  This is what we get for allowing Republicans to run our country.

So, we've identified the problem, but now how to fix it?  Like all other financial problems, the solution is investment.  It has been revealed that American debts in our card-charging society have exceeded the total wealth of the world.  So, if there's not enough money to invest on this planet, we'll have to begin looking at other ones (unfortunately, aliens probably use the Euro too).  We know that they're out there, we've kept all that they've left behind hidden in Area 51, far out of the reach of any beneficial use.

Of course, this is not a viable solution, our planet is much too undesirable for space-faring potential investors.  So what we do is this:  Appoint Harrison Ford as president.  Instead of wasting trillions of dollars on wars and such, use his kick-assery to address foreign policy--that'll free up more resources for being productive.  Replacing our police force with Chuck Norris works for the same reason.  We can save millions on the prison system by having Martha Stewart educate other inmates on how to survive on, and create dashing Thanksgiving centerpieces, out of belly button lint and maximum security toothpaste.

Finally, the most important thing that can get us rolling on a path to fix our planet to make it desirable real estate for extraterrestrials is to fix our crumbling economy.  That's kind of important.  This has basically been an outline of our problem, and I obviously have a solution.  I'm just not telling you.  So there.

Quote of the Day:  "Austin ate my banana, so now I just have a lubricated flashlight."

Friday, November 14, 2008

The Slightly More Complete Guide to Relationships

Well I've already written an Incomplete Guide on this subject. Unfortunately, however, it turns out that I am full of crap. After ignorning many complaints from many important people, I decided not to consider improving it. Then suddenly I changed my mind. Why you ask? Because I'm full of crap.
So here you go, in my infinite teenage-like wisdom I have assembled a slightly more comprehensive guide for relationships for both men and women.

1. If you like a girl, ask her out. Women are too confused and timid to be able to make the "first move" so you must decide when it's time. In tracking your potential mate, you must first observe the woman in her natural habitat unoticed to see what she's really like. For this, I recommend following her to the mall and stalking her as she interacts with her lady friends. Keep in mind that if your target mate seems undesirable in this environment, her lady friends may yet be a better fit for you.
2. It is very important to make a good impression on the first date. Start out by opening her door for her (she will think it's sweet, and women sometimes have difficulty with difficult concepts like "door handles").
3. Always wear your best tie. Wear it with suits, wear it with shorts, even wear it with your wife-beater (contrary to its name, do not beat your wife while wearing's particularly impolite and I very much doubt she'll enjoy it--and besides that's what children are for).
4. The hardest part of a relationship is preparing for the proposal. That is, to get your woman to the point where she'll say yes. This is particularly difficult because, as men, we are full of crap and only women that shouldn't be breeding in the first place will settle for us. So you have to pretend to not be full of crap, take all your feelings emotions and desires and lock it all up in a little box inside of you. If you're not ready to propose, be sure to not let her get pregnant or she'll use it to control the rest of your life. If you think she's spunky, wrap your monkey. Protect yourself down there or end up on welfare.
5. When she does accept your (extravagant) proposal, have a huge wedding. Make it amazing, make it spectacular. And make sure there's plenty of alcohol because marriage is death. After death comes Hell (in the form of children)--and we'll all end up there because we're full of crap.

1. Finding the perfect mate may be difficult. Remember, nice guys finish last. This is crucial to remember--you want men who finish first. Winners. The best of the gene pool. What you really need to be looking for is the recently-released-from-prison, bike-riding, tattooed, puppy-kicking bad boy. Keep in mind that love is the ultimate fantasy. And Four out of Three Doctors agree that putting out is the best way to get love.
2. Once you find him, your lady friends will instantly become jealous, no matter how happy they were before. In their evil deceptions, they will try to poison your relationship by saying things like, "He should treat you better than that, you're more than an object.." and "Really? He does crack AND heroin? He doesn't sound like the perfect guy for you." DON'T LISTEN TO THESE MAD WOMEN.
3. Men are like bedsheets. They get messy and need to be changed. It is important to remember that men are full of crap. Fortunately they are little more than big hairy lumps of clay for your molding. Make sure to tell them to heir face that they are perfect just the way they are (even the morning after they stumble home in the middle of the night drunker than something that is unreasonably drunk). But your innate ability to see his flaws and nitpick them into the open will allow you to slowly change him into the perfect man. Basically the opposite of who he began as. When he's successfully devoid of crap and musters up the ignorance to propose, then you can say yes.
4. If he takes too long to propose, consider your options. And by "consider your options", I mean that you should become pregnant with his baby and trap him into commitment.
5. Make sure to have a huge wedding. Make it amazing, make it spectacular. Make sure there's plenty of alcohol to celebrate the beginning of your life.

Quote of the Day:  "Whatever happened to good old ritual sacrifice?"

Monday, November 3, 2008

One Day I'll Learn...Maybe...

Okay, so, I'm not particularly known for making the best decisions ever. Like the time I was curious to observe the effects of rolling a bowling ball down a flight of stairs and into a glass panel (I concluded that the result was copious ammounts of adult yelling). Or the time that I tested the effects of pulling my Stretch Arm Strong doll from one end of the bathroom to the other (I concluded that the result was also copious ammounts of adult yelling). In fact, most of my finely-tuned childhood experiments resulted in copious ammounts of adult yelling.
A couple of weeks ago, I naively decided to test the effects of informing my mother that I would be traveling to Ohio for a few days and I was met by a rather familiar conclusion. Even before she knew the circumstances of the trip (going to a wedding as my ex's date). She insisted that I was not allowed to travel to that particular state because it would always be accompanied with incredibly negative consequences. It temporarily slipped my mind that my mother is always right. It also temporarily slipped my mind that I tend to have rather bad out-of-state experiences. From the time I almost caught hypothermia in a mud pit on a Canadian island to the time I starved in the mountains of Colorado to the time I was imprisoned in Kansas.

At the airport I always love to peruse the substancially pricey crap. I found it amusing that I was denied entrance to the terminal with my soda bottle because it could possibly be a secret soda bomb disguised as a regular non-explosive soda. So I was forced to discard it and purchase a new freedom soda at the terminals. They are about four times as expensive, but come with the added peace of mind that they are not secretly bombs. A fair tradeoff I think. And any liquid items I did bring had to be placed in a little baggie. I assume that the explosion-proof baggie is our first line of defense against a terrorist attack involving a partially used tube of toothpaste and a trial size bottle of shampoo.
Something else that kind of baffled me was a sign that made a rather big deal about Venezuelan airports not passing TSA regulations for security. So I wondered quietly to myself how long they spend in line at security compared to the number of planes they let fly into their World Trade Centers. Come to think of it, are we the best country to be judging the security standards of others?

I finally made it through and suddenly wished that I was still on the dangerous side of the checkpoint for I had to observe something that was incredibly tacky. That's right, something that was incredibly tacky. There was a blind woman riding in one of the little shuttle cars (too lazy to walk, I presumed) wearing huge opaque black sunglasses that somehow almost exactly failed to please the eye. Seriously, I know she's blind, but the rest of us aren't. So I proceeded to my gate as they warned us that the terrorist security level was orange (I assumed that either someone slipped a secret soda bomb through security or they were trying to scare away the lady with tacky glasses).

My Ohio destination was a small almost-sort-of-kind-of-like-a-town-but-smaller-and-more-frustratingly-out-of-the-way-kind-of-place called Circleville. Seriously, the name Circleville itself tells you how insignificant this place is. And if that doesn't do the trick then you'll understand when I tell you about their annual Pumpkin Show I attended.

The Pumpkin Show was, on the whole, unspectacular. That's because all pumpkins really do is sit there and be orange. Hell, I could do that if I were orange. And they had a lot of pumpkins there on huge tables. And there were things that were not exactly pumpkins, but seemed kinda similar. And things that were less pumpkin-like than those but were somehow scientifically related to the pumpkins and some things that were rather unlike pumpkins altogether and pumpkins that sat around and did nothing but be orange in their previous bhuddist pumpkin lives and were thusly reincarnated into much the same form but with slight differences that made them somewhat less appealing. And then there was a parade where every middleschool or highschool band marched by and showed everyone how displeasing music can be and how untalentedly they managed to almost hit drums properly. Everyone loved this extravagant display of inadequacy. I clapped when I was relieved it was over.
The wedding itself was nice. I was kind of nervous with it being my first Catholic wedding and all (along with the fear that I'd burst into flames upon endering sacred grounds). It turned out not to be so bad when the attractive groom assumed a kneeling position in front of the Catholic Priest. I stepped aside, however, when it came time to cannibalize the symbolic flesh and blood remains of the Christian Zombie Messiah. That's when I burst into flames (or not so much).

Then, due to a rather unexciting string of coincidences I ended up wandering around this nowhere place quite stranded. It's amazing that I only realize that my mother is right when it's too late to do anything. So I decided to make the best of a bad situation and pose dramatically lost-looking as I took pictures of me emphasized by the vast stretches of fields behind me. Then I got back on the road again. And I did come across a storage unit that, much to my pleasure, complimented the color of my luggage fantastically. So I took a picture of that too.
Then through another chain of only mildly-entertaining events that I don't care to record I ended up back in Texas. Just like always.
I'm tired of typing, so this is the end.

Quote of the Day:  "I refuse to have children not because I'm afraid of what I'll do to a child of mine, but rather I'm afraid of what a child of mine would do to the world."

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

An Incomplete Guide to Relationships

There are a number of complexities we deal with through the daily drama of life. The biggest of these are relationships with others. To make this easier for you fellows less omnipotent than myself, I have jotted down some of my thoughts and experiences with relationships.

I'll start by talking about women: ?
I think that that that single character, ?, summarizes what I know about women in a way that is both astonishingly brief and surprisingly accurate. I doubt that any man understands women. I often doubt that any woman understands them either. They just pretend. Unfortunately guys aren't quite so good at faking it and can't tell when a woman is. (I'm proud of myself for how smoothly I integrated that particular unfair sexual reference.) I mean, come on! What's with their big facination with shoes? It's not that long of a walk between the bedroom and the kitchen. Having established already that I know nothing about women, I shall proceed to ramble on about them anyway in my normal fashion tempered with ignorance. Women focus on all of the most unimortant things possible. Like passing up the perfect guy for her to instead date the recently-released-from-prison bike-riding, tattooed, puppy-kicking bad boy--and then proceed to attempt to unsuccessfully change him into the man that she just passed up at the beginning of this abnormally lengthy sentence. Of course we can't forget their constant insistence on insider trading. Which gets them sent to jail. And know what? None of these women do anything that will help them in post-apocalyptic Earth, which will be obviously inevitable after a rampaging virus turns he majority of the population into zombies. Come on, are you going to beat a zombie to death with a scrapbook? Or shame it into submission by making a better flower arrangement than it could ever hope to sculpt?

Now I shall speak of men: I think that husbands are like clothing. If you're going to spend money on them, then you need to shop around, occasionally trying them on in a private room to make sure they look good and everything fits and is the right...length.
Women tend to wonder why all of the perfect men for them are gay--while gays wonder why all the perfect men for them are on magazine covers. That's the problem with all of my exes: They're gay. The problem with gays is that they should be kicked. In the face. Especially my exes. Marriage is awesome, but not for everyone. Especially my exes. Dying lonely and miserable from an extended illness is more for them. Luckily for me they are gay and so they can't get married before me. HAH! (I'm not bitter. Really. Believe me. My bitterness level is not OVER 9000!)

One of my exes is the type of person that still believes the outdated mantra that "The Customer is Always Right." We have since evolved and casually come to understand the much harder truth: Customers are rarely correct. In fact, more often than not they are blithering idiots that do a disservice to society by procreating. And it kinda makes me wonder why they do it in the first place. Don't be a fool, wrap your tool. Use a wrapper before you attack her. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey. That's what Brian Boitano'd do. Seriously, people seem to have a bad habit of popping out more babies than they can afford. It seems like a foreign concept to some people, but maybe if you can't afford to feed and clothe yourself then maybe you should get a hobby other than poking your girl...

Another one of my exes is dead. That's how much he just sucked at life. Seriously.
I would have to say upon review that this all boils down to the following: Your hand is a much cheaper and fulfilling date. And they don't yell back. And you can even use them to fend off the zombies.

Quote of the Day: "It's hard to have second dates....or even first dates...when you indiscriminately hate everyone."