Monday, November 24, 2008

Economic Disaster Part 1: The Problem

Striking us at the end of an eight-year-long crisis known as the Dubya Administration is a storm that may out-storm all others:  Economic Devastation.  I'll admit that I was startlingly unaware that we were having a money problem, largely because I have no money myself and I'm not used to worrying about it.  But I have little else to worry about today so instead of sitting around being content, I'll throw a fit about this.

The government has been observing the downfall of our economy for some time, though they seem to have little power to prevent it.  Why you ask?  BECAUSE THEY'RE STUPID.  There you go, I said it.  They're probably already on their way to "take care of me" now...

So, let's look at the roots of this problem:  Abnormal concentrations of human stupidity.  I'll go ahead and agree with Al Gore in putting my faith in the fact that if we weren't globally warming our planet then this wouldn't have happened.  But it did, and what did our government do to try and save us?  They sent us Economic Stimulation Checks that almost didn't even come close to the income taxes they've robbed from us.  And what did they do a week before sending us checks?  They spent over forty million dollars to send us mail inserts telling us that our check will be mailed in a week.  Seriously?  Yes.

It's boggling to think about how many people it took for such a grand act of stupidity to be approved...and yet it was.  After all, what else could they have possibly used the forty million plus for?  Surely not returning back to the taxpayers.  Better to use it on sending useless bureaucratic notifications.  It makes them feel more important.  This is what we get for allowing Republicans to run our country.

So, we've identified the problem, but now how to fix it?  Like all other financial problems, the solution is investment.  It has been revealed that American debts in our card-charging society have exceeded the total wealth of the world.  So, if there's not enough money to invest on this planet, we'll have to begin looking at other ones (unfortunately, aliens probably use the Euro too).  We know that they're out there, we've kept all that they've left behind hidden in Area 51, far out of the reach of any beneficial use.

Of course, this is not a viable solution, our planet is much too undesirable for space-faring potential investors.  So what we do is this:  Appoint Harrison Ford as president.  Instead of wasting trillions of dollars on wars and such, use his kick-assery to address foreign policy--that'll free up more resources for being productive.  Replacing our police force with Chuck Norris works for the same reason.  We can save millions on the prison system by having Martha Stewart educate other inmates on how to survive on, and create dashing Thanksgiving centerpieces, out of belly button lint and maximum security toothpaste.

Finally, the most important thing that can get us rolling on a path to fix our planet to make it desirable real estate for extraterrestrials is to fix our crumbling economy.  That's kind of important.  This has basically been an outline of our problem, and I obviously have a solution.  I'm just not telling you.  So there.

Quote of the Day:  "Austin ate my banana, so now I just have a lubricated flashlight."

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