Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Economic Disaster Part 2: The Solution

I have astutely identified that there may be a slight problem with our economy.  So, how do we really fix it?  Of course I have an answer.  It's simple and excellent:  Rejoin the world economy.  Not all that is good comes from America.  We've reclused ourselves more than an agoraphobic celebrity.  Except for when we felt like going out and launching some wars on third-world nations (those are the best!)--of course who doesn't like picking on people weaker than us?

First of all, we'll have to get some help from the United Kingdom.  Only with Europeans in office will we realize that maybe the map of international trade expands beyond the contiguous United States...

The second thing we do is import a legion of Frenchmen and put them on hundreds of thousands of little treadmills.  It shouldn't be hard, the population of France (which as we all know is entirely homosexual) has exploded because of the male's confusion caused by the fact that French women have mustaches.  I'm sure they will trade their extra people for faster military vehicles equipped with a good rearview mirror so they can see whichever war they're "participating" in.  Meanwhile the Frenchmen will power our country through their treadmills.  We can avoid constitutional difficulties because it states that only people have unalienable rights.

Next, we commission Japan to make an army of advanced super-robots to police the Frenchmen.  As a bonus package, we can get a model that also performs other useful tasks such as finding reasonable alternative energy sources.  It would probably take the Japanese less time to make an army of robots that can figure it out than it would take us to realize that hey....maybe wasting all of a nonrenewable resource is perhaps not such a super idea?

With less dependency on fuel, we can sell off Alaska to Russia.  For some reason it's filled with endangered animals that we're tired of trying to take care of and it's dark half the time anyway and always cold.  They can build a bridge to it or something.

To fill the vacant slot for the 50th state, we induct the Middle East (sorry Puerto Rico).  It would solve so many problems if they just became Americans.  I mean, come on!  Being un-American they have to keep bowing down towards a rock a bunch of times a day and they have to hide their faces behind bed sheets or surprisingly unattractive beards that have got to itch in that desert sun.  They can't watch good ol' porn or drink their problems's no wonder they blow themselves up!  The solution is assimilation.  Resistance is futile.

Speaking of futile, we can pretty much ignore the Canadians.  Nobody cares about them anyway and they don't really have an effect on the world economy.

But one country already deeply tied to our economy is India.  We've seriously been outsourcing the wrong jobs to these people.  Tech support?  Really?  I make a call regarding a computer program of mine and his response is scarcely discernable against his strong Kwik-E-Mart accent, "Is your computer plugged in?"  Yes it's plugged in, that's how I got to the program I'm having trouble with!  "Is your computer powered on?"  YES IT'S ON, IT'S RUNNING.  "Is the operator of the computer, by chance, Hellen Keller?"  No, I answer.  "Well, then we will not be able to assist you today.  Thank you, come again."  Click.  What we need to do is get the real jobs back and outsource education.  Instead of learning symmetry in middle school like we do here in America, they can already be through basic calculus and discreet mathematics, moving onto quantum mechanics.  Of course the Indian teachers will require an American assistant to keep them from pressing the power button on and off repeatedly, wondering if maybe there's something more to working their computers?

By outlawing alcohol again, we can give Mexico something useful to do:  Illegally importing alcohol instead of wetbacks.

Finally, when all of that is done and we once again become financially stable, we can ship our extraterrestrial remnants we have inconveniently hidden away in the desert to China, where they can reverse-engineer the technology (like they've done with every American invention) and we'll finally be ready to take our place in the intergalactic trade route.

That is my solution.

Quote of the Day:  "Don't make me stop this car and cut myself!"

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