Saturday, April 22, 2006

Earth Day Savior: The Teenager

As you all may know, today is Earth Day.  I believe that the way to a better future involves looking out for our dear planet, as well as the vigorous use of flamethrowers.  But for the first time ever on this blog, I will take a serious moment of reflection:

Imagine, if you will, a world in decay.  A world whose careful balance has been shoved too far past equilibrium and is collapsing into turmoil.  A world tainted by careless advancement and faulty purpose.  Now, look around.  This is not some fantasy planet, this is our planet.  This is Earth.  Polluted skies, poisoned waters, ours is the world damaged.  There are many reasons for this catastrophe floating around, but they all boil down to one:  Mankinds inability to emulate the most perfect life form:  The teenage male.
            Teenage males are creatures of utter efficiency.  As dictated by the laws of economics, profits can only be maximized when the marginal benefit most exceeds the marginal cost.  This concept, minimization of expenditure, is the fundamental driving force behind teenagers.  A paragon of this trait lies within the habit of the minimization of communicative energy release.  In short, teenage males use less energy in communication than their adult counterparts.  Example:  A teen comes home.  His mother asks, How was school today?  The boy answers, Fine.  The mother then only looks at the direct words, not at the meaning behind them.  Did his answer, fine, not clearly imply "Oh, school was swell today. We had a difficult test in calculus, but my diligent study habits allowed me to easily pass the exam."???  Furthermore, if all adults remained as efficient as teenagers, we would live in old-fashioned farming communities, for teenagers would not waste energy in inventing large and dangerous machinery that pollutes the environment and destroys the land.
And energy isnt the only commodity that teenage males are willing to conserve, they are also economically aware.  Youll notice that many teenagers tend to purchase clothing items that are one or  two or five sizes larger than necessary.  This is because they choose clothing that can be grown into thus reducing monetary spending by eliminating the need of a new wardrobe each year.
            Teenage males are empathetic to others around them.  They have no desire to unload monotonous details of their mundane lives onto others, especially their hard-working parents.  This is why they tend to omit extraneous details when deep in conversation. Unfortunately, this causes the undesired result of miscommunication between teenagers and adults.  Adults that have forgotten their own youth seem to think that mysterious nights out are spent hurling eggs at neighborhood cars.  This is, of course, quite a silly conclusion since teens are much too busy covering houses with flaming toilet paper.  My point is that if everyone cared as much about the feelings of others as teenagers do, then the world would be a much friendlier place to live in.
            As I have shown, the utopia that poets dream about is not an impossibility.  We have not achieved it thus far because we ignore the teenagers instead of learning from their wisdom.  However, I do stress that the teenage male is only the most perfect life form, for they do not know everything.  Actually, I concede that there is a subject that teenage males know almost nothing about:  Teenage females.

Quote of the Day:  "Am I the only person that slows down as I walk over speed bumps?"

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Reflections on Hell

I looked at the bible to check out some rumors that have been flying around.  Turns out the rumors are true, I'm going to Hell for being gay.  I spoke to some people about this, they seemed shocked at the idea.  In fact, they gave off the serious impression that Hell was a very bad place, but it doesn't seem so bad to me.
Think about it:  I'm gay.  Gay guys are going to Hell.    I'm going to Hell with everyone else that is gay, according to what these people in the media said (and why would they lie to me?).  So there I'll be, in Hell, a very hot and fiery place, with a bunch of hot, sweaty gay guys.  And eternity is a long time to go without sex, creating an inevitable giant sweaty gay orgy.
Compared to the innocent chastity of Heaven, who can blame me for choosing differently?

Quote of the Day:  "Your face is an open-toed shoe."

Tuesday, April 4, 2006

That One Song That Uncannily Describes My Mood

You know how sometime a song fits your mood so PERFECTLY that you have to post it as an entire blog without explanation?  This is one of those!  You know, except for this explanation here.  And the one that comes later.  I'm not very good at this, am I?  Anyway, to the song:
I should probably tell you what the song is, first.  Well...see...I don't know the name.  It's that one song with a descriptive see.  By that...uhhh...who was he again?  You know, that one guy.  Anyway, really to the song now:

Okay, I can't exactly remember the song to be honest.  But it has a very catchy tune.  It's all like do-dee-do-da, something something something.  You know the song I'm talking about, right?  That one descriptive song?  It has a preposition here and there, a few nouns and some adjectives--all sprinkled with a few know, THAT song.
So now you know perfectly how I feel and I have no need to actually explain anything, right?  That is all.

Quote of the Day:  "Wasn't that another fun day of fighting aquatic vigilantes?"