Friday, November 14, 2008

The Slightly More Complete Guide to Relationships

Well I've already written an Incomplete Guide on this subject. Unfortunately, however, it turns out that I am full of crap. After ignorning many complaints from many important people, I decided not to consider improving it. Then suddenly I changed my mind. Why you ask? Because I'm full of crap.
So here you go, in my infinite teenage-like wisdom I have assembled a slightly more comprehensive guide for relationships for both men and women.

1. If you like a girl, ask her out. Women are too confused and timid to be able to make the "first move" so you must decide when it's time. In tracking your potential mate, you must first observe the woman in her natural habitat unoticed to see what she's really like. For this, I recommend following her to the mall and stalking her as she interacts with her lady friends. Keep in mind that if your target mate seems undesirable in this environment, her lady friends may yet be a better fit for you.
2. It is very important to make a good impression on the first date. Start out by opening her door for her (she will think it's sweet, and women sometimes have difficulty with difficult concepts like "door handles").
3. Always wear your best tie. Wear it with suits, wear it with shorts, even wear it with your wife-beater (contrary to its name, do not beat your wife while wearing's particularly impolite and I very much doubt she'll enjoy it--and besides that's what children are for).
4. The hardest part of a relationship is preparing for the proposal. That is, to get your woman to the point where she'll say yes. This is particularly difficult because, as men, we are full of crap and only women that shouldn't be breeding in the first place will settle for us. So you have to pretend to not be full of crap, take all your feelings emotions and desires and lock it all up in a little box inside of you. If you're not ready to propose, be sure to not let her get pregnant or she'll use it to control the rest of your life. If you think she's spunky, wrap your monkey. Protect yourself down there or end up on welfare.
5. When she does accept your (extravagant) proposal, have a huge wedding. Make it amazing, make it spectacular. And make sure there's plenty of alcohol because marriage is death. After death comes Hell (in the form of children)--and we'll all end up there because we're full of crap.

1. Finding the perfect mate may be difficult. Remember, nice guys finish last. This is crucial to remember--you want men who finish first. Winners. The best of the gene pool. What you really need to be looking for is the recently-released-from-prison, bike-riding, tattooed, puppy-kicking bad boy. Keep in mind that love is the ultimate fantasy. And Four out of Three Doctors agree that putting out is the best way to get love.
2. Once you find him, your lady friends will instantly become jealous, no matter how happy they were before. In their evil deceptions, they will try to poison your relationship by saying things like, "He should treat you better than that, you're more than an object.." and "Really? He does crack AND heroin? He doesn't sound like the perfect guy for you." DON'T LISTEN TO THESE MAD WOMEN.
3. Men are like bedsheets. They get messy and need to be changed. It is important to remember that men are full of crap. Fortunately they are little more than big hairy lumps of clay for your molding. Make sure to tell them to heir face that they are perfect just the way they are (even the morning after they stumble home in the middle of the night drunker than something that is unreasonably drunk). But your innate ability to see his flaws and nitpick them into the open will allow you to slowly change him into the perfect man. Basically the opposite of who he began as. When he's successfully devoid of crap and musters up the ignorance to propose, then you can say yes.
4. If he takes too long to propose, consider your options. And by "consider your options", I mean that you should become pregnant with his baby and trap him into commitment.
5. Make sure to have a huge wedding. Make it amazing, make it spectacular. Make sure there's plenty of alcohol to celebrate the beginning of your life.

Quote of the Day:  "Whatever happened to good old ritual sacrifice?"

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