Friday, October 3, 2008

Breaking the Big Rule

Okay so the big rule is that people aren't supposed to write blogs about where they work and actually mention the name of the place they work. So I went up to my supervisor and just informed him that I was writing this blog and told him to just not read it. And he told me it was a bad idea. I can't mention the name of where I work. In fact, I don't even think I'm allowed to tell you that it rhymes with 'Blarget'. So I won't.
I have to mention that ever since I was little my biggest pet peeve was people leaving carts in parking spaces. And by some cruel act of divine intervention by the wrathful deity above, every job I have I somehow end up as cart attendant. Since working here my pet peeve has changed though. Now my biggest annoyance is when people talk to me. That's why I kick people. And then laugh.

Seriously though, 'Blarget' is a pretty cool place, marked by community and diversity. We have working with us people that are not black, people that are not gay, people that are not women and even people that aren't Jews! Like I said, diverse. Though occasionally there's a glitch in hiring and we hire someone who IS one of the forementioned least until the cleansing. After all, they hired me. Twice. Those fools.
But I work with some awesome people, like Mallory and Cheyenne the Would-Be Porn Star...both of whom are prettier than each other (I say nervously, trying to keep from encountering the scorn of either of them). And I like scheming and just generally being racist with Robert. There's also Heather the Mexican girl who wouldn't marry me (se blog 'Rejection'). And of course I can't forget to mention my coworker who helps me fight everyday stupidity: The Pair of Talking Breasts (we call them Lauren). Okay, I'm seriously going to get hurt for that one...

But there's definitely a lot of stupidity that we fight together. Seriously. I had this one lady who purchased sixty bucks worth of dollar items and in her astonishment she said, 'How is it at $60 already?'
'Well,' I replied, 'You've selected $60 worth of items.' She didn't believe me. So I counted them out and showed her each of the sixty things as her small daughter was getting really bored. I love to see people teaching their kids to be consumer whores as early as possible. And still she was trying to figure out the math in her head. I really need the power to veto people's right to breed. But the vengeful deity instead just keeps me pushing carts so I'm resigned to merely sharing my tales with The Pair of Talking Breasts.

I love working customer service though, mostly because I get to go through the list of recalled items. 'Blarget' sells some of the best stuff. Like the two-person bicycle that snaps in the middle and becomes a one-person-with-an-injured-friend bicycle. And the carseat that keeps the baby tightly secured...unless one gets in an accident at which point the baby transforms into a rather amusing and temporarily noisy projectile. My favorite ones however are the action figures that 'may cause intestinal perforation.' Seriously, don't ask.

I told my supervisor not to read this, so I'm sure he won't.  But just in case he does, I'm NOT the one laundering money from the company because laundering money from the company is just the kind of thing I would NOT do.  To everyone else:  Hey guys!  I found a cool new way to launder money from my employer!

Quote of the Day:  "Yo mama is so fat that when she walked outside someone said....uhhh....'That lady is too big. In fact.....ummm...she bigger than a person should reasonably be."

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