Tuesday, July 22, 2008

So-Called "Role Models"

Well folks, I've been working for the Boy Scouts for the past couple months, teaching all of them about animals and nature. I generally begin by informing them that I don't like animals OR nature. I take a unique approach with teaching: Honesty. Which is why I also tell the scouts that I don't like them. Besides, I figure that they should learn early that nobody really cares about them. Just like the Ethiopians. Well, look at where the information is coming from, I've been kicked out of my troop and out of the house--I blame the economy. Could be worse though, I could be a grungy door-to-door used shoe salesman. Or a lawyer. Or gay. Wait......

Looking back now, it's no wonder that I turned out to be such a rapscallion. I mean, look at the cartoon "role models" I had to watch for eighteen years. At the top of the list is Smokey Bear with his overquoted mantra, "Only YOU can prevent forest fires." Seriously man, get off your lazy ass and start preventing fires yourself, maybe then you won't be so blasted fat. And speaking of bears, what's up with Yogi? "It's okay to steal things from people as long as you smile and frustrate the law while doing it!" What the hell kind of lesson is that to be teaching kids?!? And then there's Mr. Kool-Aid, always partying with his red "punch" and destroying houses and everything else. Let me tell you, when a party ends in rampant destruction then it's not kool-aid that people are drinking. Then there's Super-Man showing off (Why walk around when I can LEAP THE BUILDING IN A SINGLE BOUND?). Don't let me even get started on that harlot Betty-Boop and Hello Kitty (have you ever seen her working? Of course not, she's always standing around on a street corner in a pink dress...not much mystery why.)

And then there's that racist prick The Grinch. And don't give me that "his heart swelled up three times" nonsense, I know a sleeper agent when I see one. I just know he's going to hide razorblades the the who-kid's candy on Halloween. Racist son-of-a-pheasant. And on a separate note, I don't like the smurfs either, stupid blue theives. Never trust someone with blue skin unless you're choking them. It'd be more helpful if Smokey started telling kids that for a change.

Quote of the Day:  "Your mom's face is your mom's face....or......whatever."

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